Transitioning an Older Child from Orphanage Life to Family
My second daughter
joined my family when she was nearly four years old. I took her home from an orphanage
in Tuva, Russia, an area near Siberia just above Mongolia. Our first six months
were intense with emotions and busy with activity. I offer some survival strategies
that helped us all to cope as Nicole transitioned from orphanage behavior to family
life.
Our First Meeting
Within the first two weeks of our arrival home, my whole family, which also includes an older sister, went to see a therapist experienced with children who were adopted as well as with behavior issues. I wanted help with parenting this child, her special needs related to having lived in an orphanage and assimilating her into my family. Anger was also an issue. Knowing what I did know of her previous life, I fully understood her reasons for her anger. But tantrums are tough and I was looking for support and direction to handle them in the best way.
Girls in Chanita's group at the orphanage.
I received two very important pieces of advice. One was not to leave this child alone. That is, even though she could and would play by herself, which was her typical orphanage behavior, she should be encouraged to interact with other people. The other important piece of advice was not to indulge her in material things; otherwise she could become unappreciative and expectant. It has been difficult to adhere to this with holidays and birthdays. But to some degree, it has happened. She recently received a beautiful tea set for her birthday. Shortly after her birthday, she had two choices, put the tea set away (she had had many opportunities before consequences) or I would put it out of the house. She chose the trash.
I found myself saying obvious things to her to foster her emotional development that I never had to say to her sister. Her sister came home when she was a baby so she grew up acquiring these concepts. For example, I would say to Nicole "you are part of a family", "families take care of one another", "families love one another" to develop the concept of a family.
So
what was the orphanage like? It was clean and neat. The staff was particular about
not spreading germs; visitors, employees and children washed their hands frequently.
The orphanage functions with a daily routine that is usually followed with opportunity
for little flex time. There was more "down time" for my daughter's age
group (3-6 yrs) than I had for my older daughter at that age. The children were
put into bed for long, 2 ½ hour naps after lunch, and into bed for about
12 hours overnight. I suspect that these times are not well supervised, and, as
my daughter tells the story, there was often mischief with older children taking
advantage of the younger children.
Children in Chanita's group at mealtime.
Nicole
knew a few Russian letters at the time of her adoption and was not particularly
fluent in Russian. Since she has been with me, her language skills and learning
have grown immensely. But had she stayed in the orphanage, she would not have
had the same skills in Russian that she has already in English after 15 months.
In essence, the children in the orphanage are not educated to their potential
which has ramifications for their life and earning potential after they leave
the orphanage.
So what
is the orphanage really like? Caring, but probably boring and un-stimulating and
lacking in appropriate socialization. My suspicion is that children who stay in
that system leave it at age 16 or so and are largely unprepared to live in the
world from a social and life skills standpoint.
Adoption of an older child from an orphanage is a challenging but fulfilling experience. Though we've had our challenges with Nicole I am thrilled that she is in our family. Leaving any child in an orphanage will mean a very unfulfilled life for them. I implore anyone who is interested in incorporating an older child into their family to do so for the sake of the children who wait for families. "A Child Waits" is an excellent resource to help you realize your family plan. Remember, all children have a right to be a part of a family, wherever they live.
Becky Handy
